yo siempre te amaré

i felt today was quite a productive day.
for the first time in my life i actually paid attention for all the classes for the day,
when usually i find it a problem to even pay attention for 3 classes everyday
given my short attention span,
i usually just switch off when the teacher pisses me off
or when i just really cannot find a solution to my question heh.
well done me, hope i can keep this going! :)

today a strage but beautiful thought ran through my mind;
i thought that maybe i should stop talking for a few hours,
and listen to what people say around me when I usually am not paying attention to myself talking most of the time.
listen to the birds in the campus.
listen the the water from the fountains (or spouts) in the lake hitting the water.
listen to the dragging of my feet on the ground.
let my ears become engulfed with sounds with sounds i usually don't bother paying attention to.

i guess this is really like human relationships.
when you take your loved ones for granted, you never know how beautiful a relationship can be.

Excerpts from my diary for the week

April 12th 2011, Tuesday

Bene wanted to get me out of LGFC, but I guess I've settled it already. I really don't like people doing stuff behind my back. And I'm seriously getting irritated by Clarence, constantly kissing up to vincent. he needs to learn when to shut up, and grow a fucking spine for himself. seriously needs to be bitch slapped.

Stephanie messaged me today on FB. It seems that i have seriously grown to dislike her. I really couldn't stand the fact that she has had so many relationships with other people. and i can't bear the truth that i am only such a small person in her life. i really wish she would get the fuck out of my life, and stop contacting me. its just so stupid. maybe i just haven't got over her yet.

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"Now for many years later, I miss your Grandmother. I so wanted her with me when i traveled to Washington to witness your birth. and I have wanted her with me every time I've driven home from your house by myself. I've wanted to share the joy with the only person who could really appreciate it. And I am happy about that.

Missing feels like a sad spot in my heart. It feels so much better when i was angry with her, or worse, when i didn't let myself feel anything about her. Missing means I love her."

--Letters to Sam, 'Your Grandmother Sandy'

i've been really really troubled of late that's why i've decided to come back to post on this blog of mine, which i wouldn't have returned to if not for the things that i have done recently.

for integrity and for what's right,
i gave up my friends.
or would i say, i gave up people who i thought were my friends.
somehow i even wonder if they ever took me as a friend of theirs.
if they ever took me as a friend of theirs,
they would have understood what i did.
it's not fair to the other party.
i really don't understand why they would push the blame to me,
and say that if i hadn't ratted on them they wouldn't be in this predicament.

but honestly, what i feel is that if they had listened to me from the start and not taken it,
this would nver have a chance to surface.
and they would not have been in this situation.
honestly, i am afraid.
afraid of what other people feel of me.
a traitor, a spineless fool, or probably just a foolhardy fellow.
i really need support at a time like this,
somebody who can tell me,
'don't be afraid, you did the right thing, and i feel proud to have a friend like you.'

kester showed me who my real friends are,
and what real friends should do, and how they should be.
I'm really thankful for that, and i really hope for more friends like him.
but it's him, and only him who is able to make such an impact in my life,
which makes it ironically so, very unique,
and that is why i have learnt to appreciate him so very much :)

why don't some people ever reflect and feel ashamed of their actions?
but just blame everything on other people at the first chance they have?